Waiting out the Solstice

         November and December are the darkest months in Buffalo. The leaves are gone, the sky is deep grey and just like everywhere else in the Western Hemisphere, the days keep getting shorter and shorter. If it wasn’t for things like work and needing to eat, I probably wouldn’t bother getting out of bed. But here I am, suffering until the solstice, wondering how on Earth I will get through these next three weeks without sinking into a deep and miserable depression.

         One of the ways I've gotten around this is by scheduling all my preventative care medical appointments which forces me to get out of the house and interact with people who are being paid to show concern for my well-being. There’s so many things on me that are falling apart or need checking; my eyes, my boobs, my thyroid, my teeth, all showing the wear and tear of aging. Now that’s something to get excited about.

         My dental hygienist is so young and adorable and tells me with such sweetness that if I don’t start flossing more regularly my teeth will likely fall out of my head. Then she compliments my smile and apologizes for scaring me. It’s the perfect love/scare, guilt/redemption relationship. When I tell her that she makes my dental experience a little less terrible, she says I should write an online review for the office, but maybe not use the words terrible or torture when I describe my visit. They are very aggressive about soliciting these reviews but who actually finds dentistry the least bit pleasant? I walk out with a new toothbrush, a tiny bottle of mouthwash, equally tiny box of floss and the slightest hope that my next periodontal exam will yield 2’s and 3’s, not 4’s like this last one.

                    I also joined a gym. Yeah, I did that, which only shows exactly how unstable I’ve been feeling lately. I’ve joined gyms before. It didn’t work out or let’s say more accurately, I didn’t work out. I mean, I did for awhile but then I’d have a headache or be too tired and then I’d just stop going, like it never even happened. My commitment was over but of course, I kept paying and paying until finally they let me out of the contract.

           But this time it only cost $10 and the membership lasts until December 31^st  unless they can get me to sign up for longer and then it will cost considerably more. But I’ll have to go to the gym for them to convince me of how worthwhile it is and I have no intention of going. I know I should be getting in shape or losing weight, getting some cardio…whatever. Aren’t we all supposed to be obsessed with that? And I heard exercise helps with depression, if you actually do it. Endorphin release, it’s supposed to be great!

             And everyone loves a bargain. What else can you get for $10 these days? Nothing! Which is exactly what I’ll get unless I get off my moderately fat butt and use the equipment at the gym that I paid for with my $10.
            Maybe I should have bought a sandwich. I enjoy sandwiches but they do make you fat. But at least you have something to show from having eaten them. An actual encounter, unlike the gym that sits a few blocks away and is calling my name. Or not calling my name. Maybe I should just put on headphones.

                 It’s eleven A.M. The slick black branches outside my window sway eerily sending tiny drops to the driveway. The wind shivers splashes into puddles. It’s a monochromatic scene, except for the grass no longer draped in snow. The rain pours down harder tilting slightly to the left. Stillness and movement in perfect alignment.

         Inside the candles flicker. The furnace roars from the basement. I stretch out my legs, unfurl my fingers from my fist, rest my chin on my wrist. The dark days will be over soon. The dark days will be over.